The Other
One of the things that I’ve gotten push back about around the topic of conscious tech is when folks tell me there’s no problem with the amount of phone and tech use we are engaging in.
It’s a totally valid opinion, view point, and experience to have. And it’s also important to recognize that there is another experience a lot of us are having.
I see tech use differently, especially in one fundamental area that I think is a part of our humanity and nature, relationships.
Interpersonal relationships of all kind, familial, romantic, platonic, relationships that have no labels.
I'm part of the Xennial generation, which means I had an analog childhood and digital adulthood. It’s a small sandwich generation between Gen X and Millenials. Because of this analog upbringing, I have been able to watch as my relationships changed. Some of it is age of course, and natural development, but some of it is not.
I have watched as we have become less engaged with each other. I have watched as we have become more impatient with each other. I have watched as we have become less compassionate with each other. I have watched as we have increasingly “other-ized” each other.
The “other” is a term that is used across many disciplines with many definitions. It can often mean to cast out, or judge something as different in a negative context. It’s meant to signify a separation between you and another.
I’m going to use it a little differently, in regards to the phone and our relationships. We now have an “other” in every single one of our relationships. Currently it's the phone, but maybe in the future it will be an AI bot or physical robot that knows everything about you.
We are constantly distracted from who is in front of us by our “other.” We are constantly checking in on our “other.” We sometimes pretend to listen to the humans we are in a relationships with while truly engaging with our “other.”
It’s currently socially acceptable. We all do it.
I’m asking, why? And what is it doing to our ability to connect in meaningful ways?
Everyone needs a different level of connection in their lives. As a highly sensitive, intuitive, empath, I tend to go deep, sometimes without even realizing I have. It’s natural for me. But not every connection we have will be deep, and that is also ok. I think the challenge arises when we have no deep connections.
Before we go any further, I want to acknowledge that everyone is different and I am not saying that any one experience is better or worse than the other. This is just food for thought. I am sharing my observations and experiences.
What do I mean by “appearing” like we have deep connections on the surface? I’m talking about the illusion of connection. This is when it seems like we are connecting because we are in contact, or can view someone’s life, but we are not making a connection.
In a way, this is like a para-social relationship. A para-social relationship is defined as - “ a one-sided emotional bond that a person develops with a media persona, such as a celebrity or fictional character, despite having no personal interaction with them. This relationship often feels real to the individual, as they may perceive a sense of intimacy and connection through their engagement with the media.”
While parasocial relationships tend to refer to a media personality, I think this is happening in our own daily lives too. I think we can have parasocial relationships with people we know or have known through their social media or other internet activity. We can “see” what they are doing, read about them, and it can make us feel closer to them than we actually are, even if we do actually know them in real life too.
This is incredibly nuanced and individual, but I invite you to pause here and see if this resonates with you at all.
Do you have an old friend who you are not really in contact with in real life, but know everything about their life?
Do you have a friend you only engage with online and have never met in person?
When you get together with friends, do you feel like you don’t want to share, or don’t have anything to talk about because you already saw it all online?
These are hard questions to ask. They require discernment and honesty. They require taking a look inside to see how you really feel about what is in your life. Maybe you find nothing. Maybe you find everything. Who knows, only you do. Your experience is your own.
These types of relationships can also be an “other” in your in person, offline relationships.
For those of us with few friends or who find it a challenge to make friends, sometimes this type of relationship can make us feel like we “have” friends. And that’s ok. And also, I want to ask, can these people be there for you in your real life?
I keep using the term real life, but what I really mean is offline life. I know the line is getting thinner and thinner, but your in-person life matters, and so do the relationships in it.
If we are constantly engaged with our “other,” if our “other” is always the third party in every relationship we have, how can we make meaningful connections one to one? Or even in a group? It keeps us on the surface level. Flitting here and there and everywhere at the moment of distraction.
Connecting in a meaningful way is a skill, practice, muscle, and energy. If we don’t use it, it can shrink.
Invitation To Practice
Notice how often you turn to your “other” instead of someone in your daily life.
Experiment. For one in person conversation you have this week, try not to google anything or show them a picture. See what happens, see what comes up.
We all want meaningful connections in our life, at whatever level is right for us. Consider what makes a meaningful connection for you and how you can cultivate them in your own life.
Our ability to connect to each other in meaningful ways is one of the things that makes us human. You get to decide what meaningful means to you.
Note: If the word “other” doesn’t work for you, replace it with “security blanket,” or a word that resonates with you.
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